My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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