I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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