That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
