Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
