my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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