I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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