i was born a porn star she said
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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