pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Randomize
