I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
