Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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