I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize