Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
