I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
