Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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