If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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