update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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