im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
