Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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