tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
