I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
