I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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