3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
