Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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