Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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