Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize