I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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