I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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