remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
