I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
