i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
