Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
