the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Randomize
