I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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