Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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