im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
