I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
