she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
