I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just gargled with NyQuil
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
