btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
