I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't turn off my feet"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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