I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
