I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
