I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
