4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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