My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Someone signed my nipple.
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