My sheets look like a crime scene.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
