Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
