you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
