pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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