Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
