Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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