I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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