Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
