so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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