Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
