Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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