Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
