Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
