am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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