My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
