Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
