i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
