He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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