I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
