yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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